Faith and Forgiveness: Part V – Misconceptions

The decision to forgive
Many people are under the assumption that when they truly forgive another person they will no longer feel anger or pain at the thought of the offense or that they will never even have a thought of the offense again! Nothing could be farther from the truth. Our decision to forgive others is not a feeling though our feelings might be altered as a result of our decision. When we forgive another we make a conscious choice not to hold that person accountable for making restitution for our loss, in essence they don’t have to “pay” for their misdeed. Quite often it is essential for the offended party to discuss the offense in order to identify their own shortcomings and weaknesses and to come to grips with their grief. The emotions resulting from an offense are a consequence of the actions of the offended party and the offended not only have a need to resolve them, they have the responsibility to do so. This might take time and effort but can be facilitated by the cooperation of the offender. We should always take great care to avoid using the offense as a "club" in an argument. We should never “throw it up in someone’s face”, so to speak. If this occurs then we’ve actually failed to forgive that person.

Our feelings and the thoughts they provoke are not within our control but they are certainly our responsibility. We can however, and must, control what we choose to consider if we are to truly forgive. If we find it particularly difficult to resolve our feelings it usually indicates that we’re not focused on our own responsibility, but rather on the responsibilities of others.

Accept the cost
If you have violated the trust of another and they’ve decided to forgive you that doesn’t mean their trust in you should be automatically restored. The trust of another must be earned and although they’ve forgiven you it may be necessary that you earn back their trust. Many relationships are ended because of an unrealistic expectation that all prior trust should be restored with the decision to forgive. In some cases it may be perfectly fine to restore trust solely on the basis that “no one is perfect”, however many times the violation is an indication of a greater problem that must be resolved before trust can be fully restored.

While to forgive another is to set aside any compensatory requirement, if you truly seek forgiveness you should be willing to make restitution to the best of your ability. If you have decided to forgive then at the very least you must be willing to sacrifice your pride and your lust for vengeance. You may be required to make a material sacrifice as well in order to truly forgive another.

Failure is not an option
The believer who refuses to forgive others sets himself against God and will find no relief for his own misgivings. We cannot live in harmony with God or with others if we refuse to forgive. The consequence of refusing to forgive could be the ruin of a believer’s life and will have devastating consequences on him in judgment.