You have no right to feel that way!

This article is one of two I plan to offer and was prompted by a discussion at bLOGOS.

Have you ever heard that? Perhaps you’ve even told someone else to control his or her feelings. While the intent of this demand is most often with the best interest of the person receiving the instruction, the instruction itself is a request to do the impossible. What? You mean we’re not supposed to control our feelings? Nope. I mean it’s impossible for us to control our feelings! At first glance this may seem contrary to every thing you’ve ever been taught about bringing yourself under subjection. In reality a clear understanding of how God intends for us to resolve our feelings is essential to every aspect of learning and especially in learning to develop an ability to control ourselves.

It is a popular misconception that so called “bad” feelings or thoughts are evil and vile which in turn means that to have them is to be an evil or vile person. Too many people suffer terribly from unresolved feelings of guilt as a result of believing this fallacy. Feelings and the subsequent thoughts they arouse are not by choice, they are consequential. We can no more decide how to feel than we can decide to no longer thirst or hunger in the absence of food and drink. The thoughts those feelings produce are not by choice but occur to make us aware that something in our life is in need of attention. If we ignore these critical warning signs and reject them as unholy or evil then likely we’ve played right into the hands of the deceiver and we’ll fail to learn the lesson God wants us to learn. While it is true that we do not control our feelings or their associated thoughts they should not control us either. Our decisions are limited to what we will do and say and this is where we should focus our consideration. If we accept this as a process that God created and apply our understanding we can learn to control ourselves and to glorify God in our actions.

The process begins with a belief. We believe something to be true and our decisions in what we do and say reflect this belief. If what we believe is untrue then our actions will be contrary to our intent, resulting in an unexpected outcome. Quite often we are mentally unaware this has occurred because we are persuaded that what we believe is true yet for no apparent reason and often out of the blue someone does or says something that provokes our own feelings of discontent which in turn immediately cause a negative thought. If we strive to live in accordance with God’s will we will stop at this point and take time to be holy. If we fail to take the time to seek his will, we most often react to our negative thought with evil considerations that culminate in a sinful action. The evil began with our consideration, not with the negative thought or feeling. They were given to make us aware that we were deceived. Try to remember that not all that feels bad is bad and most certainly that not all that feels good is good. Every feeling should be accounted for and every thought brought under subjection. This makes it vital that we acknowledge these feelings and thoughts rather than try to push them away.

Finally let’s address the question of rights. Too often we concern ourselves with how someone feels toward us rather than being concerned with what they believe about us. When confronted with negative feelings offered by a friend or loved one we often tend to become defensive and respond by attacking the one who cares enough to risk exposing themselves for our sake. When our response is an attempt to take away their right to be a person and to think and to feel we can surely expect they will keep future thoughts and feelings to themselves or risk having their right to think and feel placed in jeopardy once more. Regardless of how irrational their thoughts may appear we should consider their offering a gift not a curse and acknowledge their risk with gratitude not rebuke. We can then reason with them and make a determination as to where the problem actually lies. We may be surprised and blessed to learn we believe a lie that has prevented us from receiving the blessings that God has provided for us in that relationship.